Dedicated to heroin survivors worldwide………
I Begged Him to Kill Me
I did not do Rehab to quit heroin. The first “real Satanist” (Shark) I ever knew, a career EMT (Emergency Medical Technician), saved my life. I told him I wanted to get clean and he offered to take me to Rehab. I told him I did not want to go to Rehab and I promised him that I would quit but NO REHAB. I was homeless with no one to help me…….or so I thought.
He invited me to stay at his place for the detox. I’ll never forget his words as he locked his front door; “Bro, we have food, first aid supplies, an AED (automated external defibrillator) and all the time in the world. YOU are going to be well again.”
1. My first 12 hours was a breeze………..“I’ve got this shit kicked. If it was this fvcking easy, I would have quit a while ago!” What a cocky, dumb fvcker I was….;
2. The next 24 hours………………I would sincerely have cut my own throat to just ‘bleed out’. I hurt and ached everywhere (the flu part of the process);
3. The next 24 hours………Well let’s see……. I begged him to kill me, I offered to blow him, I offered him anything he wanted to do to me, I broke the mirror in the guest bathroom and drove a shard of glass into my wrist while twisting it, I kicked two holes in his living room wall and swore to “whatever fvcking god there might be” that I would kill Shark the first chance I got, since he would not let me leave to score. He broke my nose (deservedly so), I pulled out a handful of his thick black hair by the roots and I broke three of my own fingers in the craziness;
4. The next 8 hours……….With Shark holding me to sit on the toilet, I uncontrollably ‘shit’ while projectile vomiting into the bathtub next to the toilet. My bleached blond hair was a big matted mess. My guts cramped so badly, at times I would almost loose consciousness. I slept nude on the bathroom floor with a blanket Shark draped over me;
5. The next 8 hours……..Severe “Charley Horse” leg crams including feet and ankles. There was no way to lay, sit or stand that did not result in spasm after spasm. I wanted so much to die……….;
6. The next 12 hours………I was able to shower and then sat in a hot bath. The first sip of water I had in (circa) 4 days came back up as fast as it went down. I sat in my warm, vomit-filled bathwater while the smell of the bacon and eggs Shark was cooking made me vomit until there was no more greenish bile or liquid being produced. I dry-heaved until being able to stand up, let the bath water out and turn the shower on again.
7. The next 8 hours……….I was able to eat my first meal of dry toast. I can still remember how good it tasted and how happy I felt to just be alive.
Shark took care of me for the next few days. The first night he went back to work, I was so afraid my body would take off running to score while my mind screamed and begged to stop. For the next week or so, I only slept about 5 hours total. I experienced what I can only describe as Restless Leg Syndrome (although, once the week was over, I never experienced it again).
“Someday, I may write a book to share the full story………….”
I only want to add one last thing…………. Over the years before and after helping me get clean, Shark helped several others; men and woman. He never took advantage of anyone, used them while they were vulnerable, asked for anything in return or made anyone feel uncomfortable or ashamed for going through the process. He loved people, women, fast motorcycles and lived everyday like it was his last.
He gave me a new life, not just a life but a wonderful life and I will always be humbled when I think of his unselfishness. Every time I go to New Orleans, I visit him for an hour or so. He continues to inspire people even today and they give back to him when they can. Through an anonymous donation, Shark’s headstone was replaced two years ago with the inscription: “With thanks, we are no longer broken”.
Shark was killed in a vehicle collision in 1992 while driving home from work. The other driver crossed the centerline and hit Shark head-on, killing both drivers instantly.
The other driver had trace amounts of heroin in his blood…………….